Today was DELETING day.

Sometimes, you happen to stumble upon some old files here and there, some things you didn't realize were still around, some things you didn't expect to find, some things that you wish were kept buried under the rest of your junk. For some reason or other, you said in the past that you'd keep it around to rediscover later on, whether the files are good or bad things. A lot of times, you find these things again, and then it finally hits you: I don't need this shit. Cuz that's exactly what it is: unnecessary crap. shit. Then, it's great to realize and know that these things are disposable, because it allots for more harddrive space, for things more suitable to your PRESENT life. It's like cleaning out your house of the things that really don't matter anymore.

Sometimes, the meaning of some things are so heavy, so burdening, that it feels... relieving... to let things go. It's like the weights come right off. You put as much meaning in something as much as you WANT to. You have total control over how much you want something to affect you. It just gets upsetting sometimes because you don't want some things to affect you, but they still will. whether emotionally, or physically. you just react, without your willing to do so or not.


Everything with you has been like ... well... for a lack of better words... god sent. Things fall into place, one piece after another. What scared me from the beginning was how sure I felt from the get go. Part of the reason is because of the tremendous amount of signs, the blatant hints and clues that spell it all out. No, I'm still atheist. But the things I believe in are close to what most "religions" believe in: karma, signs, the phenomenon that is life, a greater power. What I believe in is the way of the universe, the way the world works, everything that is life itself that we ALL build TOGETHER. Place a name, a label, a face on it, whatever you want, but whatever these signs are, they've been so blatant in saying, "Hey, go this way. You're doing everything right so far. You want a perfect moment? Here you go, here's one. Why? Cuz everything you're doing so far is right."

Anyway, point of the story is, just as these things have started occurring a lot more in the last few months, it only seems understandable/natural to have a test fall right into your lap, without your control, and totally (un)expected and blatant as the counterparts before it. You get tested to see if you've understand the things you've learned during the course of this class. Have you improved? How? What have you learned? What do you want to do from here? How do you see things now, in retrospect?


Reaffirmation. I'm sure of it. It's like... the counter-sureness. I guess if I never found this junk today, or rather... if it never found me, I would never feel the stern and convinced notion of throwing it away. As if I were slipping and tickling the wrong thought, another sign came up and slapped me in the face. Reality check. Only to reinforce something that I already knew. I am enough. I am loved. And I am ever more grateful for the things that I have.