"The Good Life"

A lot has changed and even now there's still so much I'm so unsure of.

It's really ______ to know how I've changed so much in the last few years. Even now, being home, I know I've changed from how I was four months ago. I was reading Bonnie's xanga and just thinking about her, it hit me how much I've gone through that I can't really contain in words. Quite simply... it's life.

Through it all, I'm glad I've had certain individuals who stayed close to me through all my worst times, all my BEST times. I can never be more grateful for having the friends that I do because, well, they remind me who I should be, who I want to be, who I strive to be. Bonnie. The meaning of her is so HEAVY. First year was.... It's weird to look back and see how your life went by so fast. Back in high school, everyone thought they'd keep in touch, that no matter what we'd try our best to fight the distance and the new friendships and to keep it all together. God, we were so innocent and oblivious. To be honest, I was readily acceptable to move away for change. I was pushed out of my bubble and wanted it all to start anew. Yeah, I did... and simply readjusted my whole life to revolve around one person. School was crap and I wasn't interested at all. Friends, I didn't really have any really close friends because I was happy with having one person. His family, his friends, his room, his life. I dropped my activism. THAT was first year.

Time slipped by real fast, and yet even with friends from first year like Bonnie, we were convinced that nothing would change and that we'd still maintain it all. But second year came by and one week, two weeks, three weeks, months went by and all you could say was, "Oh, have I seen _____? Naw... I haven't really seen them lately...." as if you're half expecting you or them to call each other up to hang out. In a flash, one or two more school years go by. Yet, you're still convinced that you're still friends with them.

There's a lot of people I regret not putting in the effort to spend more time with because I genuinely liked them, but there's always that convenience factor. Of course, if I had the chance to change anything, I wouldn't because I simply love everything I have become. I haven't said this for a while, but thanks for being there for me, for not judging me, for being the best of friends, for everything.

Change.

Chilling at Jacob & James' last night, we sat and talked for a while, about the things we always talk about. Spirtuality. Oakland life. and of course, criticizing the life of those who drone-ishly follow the materialistic/capitalistic standards that we're taught. God I wish I could live that life. "Art and music. These are the universal languages in this world," he said, pointing at his sketchbook. "It doesn't matter what class, what race, whatever the hell you are. You can see something or hear something and say, 'Yeah. That's awesome.' or 'Naw, I don't like that.' And of course, these are the two programs that always get cut out from schools," the two that have the least prestige, get paid the least, and is simply put into the categories of having least social capital. And there we sat, three artists, listening to an electronic cover of early megaman themes, eyes down on a sketch of 5-year old kids clad in military gear, fighting and defending their cherished home and territory.

I miss Oakland... even though I am here. and have been for the last few months. But to be honest, I've been here, but I haven't been here. The last four months, I've been living in LA, in Riverside, half way across the globe, in the electronic world. I've been hesitant to look up jobs and to actually apply because, well, I've been holding back because I wish I could just go back to all the care-free fun of last year--I'm scared of I-don't-know-what. I miss Oakland because I haven't been living here. I've been living some..... where.

But I kinda got a reminder yesterday. I know I say it all the time, I know it's surged out from every pore of my body already but... I really love Oakland. and I love my Oakland friends. It's how much CULTURE there is. Sure there's a lot of ethnic groups and all that stuff but what I'm really talking about is the CULMINATION of ALL those thigns mixed in, making its OWN culture. I think that's why I just love hanging out with the boys. Everyone comes from so many backgrounds, and we all bring it in, we share it, and we all embrace it, for each other, WITH each other. We're all so different, but all so alike. I guess that's only a slice of my love for Oakland. But simply describing it as "diversity" just does. not. do. it. justice. Class consciousness at it's effin greatest. I frickin love my boys.

The last four years, I kinda got lost in a lot of things. Because I wanted to get away, I dropped everything when I went to LA. I can't believe I so easily forgot about everything I wanted to change in the world. I regained it, and my friends here were always here to remind me about my roots and all that we care about, but it's time to practice what I preach and I've been letting it slip again. I'm scared. I keep pushing it off, I keep running away from it. I don't know why. It's like this whole time I've been pushing from the back, pushing and pushing, and here I am now, pushed my way three feet away from the front and center of the war... and I'm chickening out.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -- Marianne Williamson

Thanks for making me think again.