Cuz there's beauty in the break down

I've been really grouchy today. It's probably because I have this bad hoarse throat thing going on, that won't go away no matter how much water I drink. Plus, some pipe on our street blew and they've shut off water for the night while they fix it.

Anyway, grouchy. It's the kinda grouchy where I pick out all the little annoying things that the people around me do. And when I say 'all' I mean ALL. It's where it's just best if you don't ask me a question or provoke me to talk, because the only thing I have to say is to make you feel bad for making me talk to begin with. The only things I have to say are to make you feel stupid for saying something, ask you why you had to do something, and then criticize you for it.

That's how it used to be a lot when I lived at home. I'm good at making people feel like they're shit. I did that a lot with Marco. And I hate(d) myself for it. So I've cut down on it a lot more in the last two to three years. But being used to doing that for years of my life, sometimes you just relapse. And I guess the worst part is... I don't know where all the anger comes from. I hate how our world teaches us that it's much more acceptable to hate each other than it is to love each other, to the point where loving is just weird and awkward. But I'm not blaming other people for my own issues... I am society, society is me, is you, is us, is me.

Growing up, I was always the venting hole for my mom when it came to all her friends, our relatives, my dad. If anyone's seen the movie The Squid and the Whale (a movie that I highly don't really recommend but I supposed deserves some recognition since it pretty much left quite a mark in my mind), the beginning shows how easily and closely children follow in their parents' footsteps, more than often very bilaterally. "I don't like how the family's hella split in half because the kids just follow one parent or other," I said to Man. But to be honest, I follow my mom pretty much 100% when it comes to opinions and judgements. I'm pretty sure I greatly disliked and was annoyed of my dad for a bulk of my childhood because of the things she would vent to me about. I'm not blaming her but just saying... that's just how things were...

I love my mom. But there are just some times... I don't want to believe that she's right. And I don't want to listen to all the things she has to say because it just gets me more and more mad how negative and jugdemental she can be. And what I hate the most, no... what SCARES me the most is that I can be influenced by that. that I'll turn out like that one day. Because I don't WANT to be like that. I don't WANT to have an opinion for everything. I don't WANT to be so critical of everything and everyone. People are who they ARE. I LIKE accepting people for who they are, and I LIKE trying to understand why people do the things they do without shutting them out right away. I'm so scared of turning out to be like her. probably because I know there's a part of me that's just like that right now too.

One of the things I've come to learned is to try to be appreciative of those people who AREN'T appreciative of others. Minorities among the minorities. LVL blessed us with such immense knowledge, but it only makes things so much more complicated and complex. "Be a sheep, but be a SMART sheep." These are the kinda times where ignorance is bliss. Times like these, I just want to mindlessly follow everyone else and NOT know things and NOT see things. One of the greatest things about Sociology is that it's applicable to everyone and everything. One of the worst things about Sociology is that it's applicable to everyone and everything. If you let it get to you, you analyze anything and everything around you. I love Soc. My radar's on way too much for my own mental health. And I'm usually not sure how to turn it off.

Whatever. here's my latest art piece.

The Monsters In Your Bed

(that's a bad pic. i'll retake in the morning with better lighting.)

i'm pretty bipolar arent i? brace yourself, henry.
... i cant wait for you to come home...