A hick.. a hick is one that lives in a stick...

I've been having really intense sleeping habits lately. The duration of these don't usually last that long, but I feel like I've been sleeping like this for a month now.

It's the kind where I close my eyes and open them immediately, only to find that 10 hours have passed. I typically remember my dreams but the only ones I can barely remember are the last bits before I realize in the dream that I'm dreaming. (I found out 2 years ago that not many people realize that they're dreaming when they're dreaming, and not many people can really decide what they want to do in the dream. I used to have really really really bad nightmares when I was little so I guess I developed something here I can avoid those dreams altogether by shaking myself awake to "switch" dreams. (Thus explains my fear of the dark and why I refuse to watch any scary movie cuz it'll haunt me for a few months, and probably why I don't remember any of my childhood monsters.))

So usually these kinda sleeping habits only go on for a few days or so, but I've definitely been deep sleeping for a few weeks now. It's kinda scary cuz... I feel like I have no control over myself during that whole time of being... well... numb. When it comes to our sleeping habits, my mom always says, "Foh-jook doo mm jee ah!" You wouldn't even know if there's a fire! It's true. It's true.


Happy talk keep talkin' happy talk
Talk about things you'd like to do
You got to have a dream
If you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?

(okay, I don't know what is more funny. taking it back to this song, or the fact that that girl is obsessed with the index-thumbing motion that she even has to do it underwater. COMIN TO THE DANCE, NELLIE??)
(i ruined all seriousness of this post.)

Life Is Like A Shooting Star

it don't matter who you are if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
we are lost 'til we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground
and all these wars are over

Today was DELETING day.

Sometimes, you happen to stumble upon some old files here and there, some things you didn't realize were still around, some things you didn't expect to find, some things that you wish were kept buried under the rest of your junk. For some reason or other, you said in the past that you'd keep it around to rediscover later on, whether the files are good or bad things. A lot of times, you find these things again, and then it finally hits you: I don't need this shit. Cuz that's exactly what it is: unnecessary crap. shit. Then, it's great to realize and know that these things are disposable, because it allots for more harddrive space, for things more suitable to your PRESENT life. It's like cleaning out your house of the things that really don't matter anymore.

Sometimes, the meaning of some things are so heavy, so burdening, that it feels... relieving... to let things go. It's like the weights come right off. You put as much meaning in something as much as you WANT to. You have total control over how much you want something to affect you. It just gets upsetting sometimes because you don't want some things to affect you, but they still will. whether emotionally, or physically. you just react, without your willing to do so or not.


Everything with you has been like ... well... for a lack of better words... god sent. Things fall into place, one piece after another. What scared me from the beginning was how sure I felt from the get go. Part of the reason is because of the tremendous amount of signs, the blatant hints and clues that spell it all out. No, I'm still atheist. But the things I believe in are close to what most "religions" believe in: karma, signs, the phenomenon that is life, a greater power. What I believe in is the way of the universe, the way the world works, everything that is life itself that we ALL build TOGETHER. Place a name, a label, a face on it, whatever you want, but whatever these signs are, they've been so blatant in saying, "Hey, go this way. You're doing everything right so far. You want a perfect moment? Here you go, here's one. Why? Cuz everything you're doing so far is right."

Anyway, point of the story is, just as these things have started occurring a lot more in the last few months, it only seems understandable/natural to have a test fall right into your lap, without your control, and totally (un)expected and blatant as the counterparts before it. You get tested to see if you've understand the things you've learned during the course of this class. Have you improved? How? What have you learned? What do you want to do from here? How do you see things now, in retrospect?


Reaffirmation. I'm sure of it. It's like... the counter-sureness. I guess if I never found this junk today, or rather... if it never found me, I would never feel the stern and convinced notion of throwing it away. As if I were slipping and tickling the wrong thought, another sign came up and slapped me in the face. Reality check. Only to reinforce something that I already knew. I am enough. I am loved. And I am ever more grateful for the things that I have.

I want one.

I went over to the boys' house last night to play the wii with them.

Somyunggui vs. Jesus


James playing boxing on wii sports


The guys were even nice enough to make a mii for me.

Here's the final product:

It was so sad that Jacob's mii avoided interacting with "Estella" every time we tried. I hate you guys.

"The Good Life"

A lot has changed and even now there's still so much I'm so unsure of.

It's really ______ to know how I've changed so much in the last few years. Even now, being home, I know I've changed from how I was four months ago. I was reading Bonnie's xanga and just thinking about her, it hit me how much I've gone through that I can't really contain in words. Quite simply... it's life.

Through it all, I'm glad I've had certain individuals who stayed close to me through all my worst times, all my BEST times. I can never be more grateful for having the friends that I do because, well, they remind me who I should be, who I want to be, who I strive to be. Bonnie. The meaning of her is so HEAVY. First year was.... It's weird to look back and see how your life went by so fast. Back in high school, everyone thought they'd keep in touch, that no matter what we'd try our best to fight the distance and the new friendships and to keep it all together. God, we were so innocent and oblivious. To be honest, I was readily acceptable to move away for change. I was pushed out of my bubble and wanted it all to start anew. Yeah, I did... and simply readjusted my whole life to revolve around one person. School was crap and I wasn't interested at all. Friends, I didn't really have any really close friends because I was happy with having one person. His family, his friends, his room, his life. I dropped my activism. THAT was first year.

Time slipped by real fast, and yet even with friends from first year like Bonnie, we were convinced that nothing would change and that we'd still maintain it all. But second year came by and one week, two weeks, three weeks, months went by and all you could say was, "Oh, have I seen _____? Naw... I haven't really seen them lately...." as if you're half expecting you or them to call each other up to hang out. In a flash, one or two more school years go by. Yet, you're still convinced that you're still friends with them.

There's a lot of people I regret not putting in the effort to spend more time with because I genuinely liked them, but there's always that convenience factor. Of course, if I had the chance to change anything, I wouldn't because I simply love everything I have become. I haven't said this for a while, but thanks for being there for me, for not judging me, for being the best of friends, for everything.

Change.

Chilling at Jacob & James' last night, we sat and talked for a while, about the things we always talk about. Spirtuality. Oakland life. and of course, criticizing the life of those who drone-ishly follow the materialistic/capitalistic standards that we're taught. God I wish I could live that life. "Art and music. These are the universal languages in this world," he said, pointing at his sketchbook. "It doesn't matter what class, what race, whatever the hell you are. You can see something or hear something and say, 'Yeah. That's awesome.' or 'Naw, I don't like that.' And of course, these are the two programs that always get cut out from schools," the two that have the least prestige, get paid the least, and is simply put into the categories of having least social capital. And there we sat, three artists, listening to an electronic cover of early megaman themes, eyes down on a sketch of 5-year old kids clad in military gear, fighting and defending their cherished home and territory.

I miss Oakland... even though I am here. and have been for the last few months. But to be honest, I've been here, but I haven't been here. The last four months, I've been living in LA, in Riverside, half way across the globe, in the electronic world. I've been hesitant to look up jobs and to actually apply because, well, I've been holding back because I wish I could just go back to all the care-free fun of last year--I'm scared of I-don't-know-what. I miss Oakland because I haven't been living here. I've been living some..... where.

But I kinda got a reminder yesterday. I know I say it all the time, I know it's surged out from every pore of my body already but... I really love Oakland. and I love my Oakland friends. It's how much CULTURE there is. Sure there's a lot of ethnic groups and all that stuff but what I'm really talking about is the CULMINATION of ALL those thigns mixed in, making its OWN culture. I think that's why I just love hanging out with the boys. Everyone comes from so many backgrounds, and we all bring it in, we share it, and we all embrace it, for each other, WITH each other. We're all so different, but all so alike. I guess that's only a slice of my love for Oakland. But simply describing it as "diversity" just does. not. do. it. justice. Class consciousness at it's effin greatest. I frickin love my boys.

The last four years, I kinda got lost in a lot of things. Because I wanted to get away, I dropped everything when I went to LA. I can't believe I so easily forgot about everything I wanted to change in the world. I regained it, and my friends here were always here to remind me about my roots and all that we care about, but it's time to practice what I preach and I've been letting it slip again. I'm scared. I keep pushing it off, I keep running away from it. I don't know why. It's like this whole time I've been pushing from the back, pushing and pushing, and here I am now, pushed my way three feet away from the front and center of the war... and I'm chickening out.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -- Marianne Williamson

Thanks for making me think again.

Leave Your Computer On All Day? PQ With Me! :D

why is it when someone ask a question about playing the game you just act ignorant and go around the question... im sick and tired of getting my questions ignored, and im sure alot of other ppl do to, and dont say "what are you talking about, i have no clue what your saying" because you do.

I've always wanted to own an "ape ass". Thanks Progress Quest for fulfilling that dream for me!

My brother recently told me that he got his coworkers playing Progress Quest, this old game we used to play 6 or 7 years ago. (This is the same workplace where they have mario kart ds competitions every. day.) It's been a long time and greg0r and I often mention it here and there over the last few years but I never thought I'd be playing it again so soon.

So if you're interested, it's a pretty fun game [download] . I'm currently on a mission to execute the Hippogrifves, and my current specialty is Innoculate I. ENDLESS XP-GAINING GRATIFICATION, unlike some games where it takes waaayyyy too long to level up!

I started a guild to represent the old clan, so when you're playing press ctrl+g and type in "PB_". w00t w00t.



ilIl az nboI: whats pb
: my old gaming clan (oh god.)
: we've become a ds clan these days
ilIl az nboI: wow
ilIl az nboI: thats the nerdiest thing ive ever heard
: yes yes
: lol
ilIl az nboI: you just keep pushing the limits
: HAHHAHAHA
: YOU LOVE IT
: I KNOW IT
: DONT LIE
: YOU DO
: I KNOW
ilIl az nboI: you know wrong
ilIl az nboI: its like youre saving up
ilIl az nboI: you say something really nerdy
ilIl az nboI: and then you say something even nerdier
ilIl az nboI: and i think its the nerdiest thing ever
ilIl az nboI: but then you say something even nerdier
ilIl az nboI: this is like the 16th time already

T-Rex knows best.

Edit: I am finally starting to feel the self-guilt and ansy-ness of needing to do something. It's 'bout time. I've waited for quite a while for you to come back! gosh!

i've realized

i miss blogging.

Maybe that'll explain part of my lack of interest to do anything anymore these days. I've become such a bum.

Anyhow, I found out earlier last month that the host for my site was shutting down, and I tried contacting my friend who had signed up for my domain name and has access to it, etc, but to no avail. So currently, my domain will sit empty for a while.... until I figure out what to do. In addition to that, I figured it'd be time to have my site "grow up" anyhow. Seriously... 8 years of... well... whatever it was... time for a change. From a typical geocities "interest" site with little sailormoon pics here and there, to collection of pics of well.. me.. (how narcisstic), to event pics with family and friends, quite simply a historical base for my own life.

Anyway, I dunno what's gonna happen but I wanted to conform a little and start up a public blog again since facebook noting is a little too much for me.

okay I think I'm supposed to put some kinda picture here now

i've lost my sense of e-place.